Disgruntled Graffiti

On the big, portable dumpster outside of our store, someone spray painted "F--- you if you hate me", which is relatively pointless I think. If someone already hates you, you have probably already offended them enough. No need for further antagonism.
The best thing about this graffiti is that the last word is sort of undecipherable. My friend Amanda came over yesterday and thought it said, "F--- you if you hate pie". As in, "You hate pie? Well, f--- you then!" When she left (after much help - thanks, Amanda!) I sat there thinking about the Pie Fanatic that could have crafted such a phrase. Maybe it was a disgruntled Marie Callender's worker. Maybe it was an old grandma whose grandchildren don't appreciate her home-cooking. Maybe it was Betty Crocker herself!
Either way, "I hate pie" is going to be my new phrase. When I really want to say a big F.U. I will say, "I hate pie" and leave it at that.

Every Party has a Pooper

I have a great class of sixth graders this year. They're nice, they're smart, and they can do just about anything...that is, anything except wipe their own butts. To be fair, it's only one child who has trouble with this fine motor skill. Yes, you're reading correctly. There's an eleven-year-old in the world who can't wipe correctly, and therefore smells as if he's crapped his pants on a daily basis.

As if teaching isn't shitty enough some days...
(ha!)

Fight at the dog park

Dogs are pretty civilized at the dog park. They run around getting to know each other by sniffing each others' butts. I can't help but think that humans should do the same. For instance, on Sunday morning, if the 35 year old man who brought his daughter to the park had taken a whiff of the 60 year old asshole there with his wife, he would have known that trouble was about to ensue. It was the asshole of an asshole.
Who knows what the argument was about. From 40 yards away, all I heard was yelling back and forth and then the fight was on. It was a mass struggle, everyone nearby helping to pull them apart. The physical altercation only lasted about 20 seconds, but what was even more upsetting was the little girl -- the man's daughter -- and her screams of horror. "Daddy! Daddy! My daddy!" she screamed over and over again. It was the sound of sheer terror. The seconds ticked by, punctuated by her screams. After it was over and the asshole was being coaxed away by his wife, I watched the little girl in her hot pink T-shirt, hugging her dad's leg, still crying.
The police came. They talked to the witnesses. No one was seriously hurt. Or were they? I can't help but think of that cute little girl and the nightmares she had that night. Her wounds were deeper, and I'm sure her recovery will be slower. Watching your dog compete for dominance over other dogs is one thing, but watching your dad get put in his place at the dog park has to be pretty scary.

Mind over Matter

We're signing up for life insurance. I guess the paranoia won -- we're officially scared that one of us will die and the other will be stuck with all the bills. Never mind the unbearable grief and loneliness and overwhelming sense of loss. It's the debt. How scary the possibility of becoming poor.
So, tonight the lab tech came to take blood and urine samples, health histories, and height and weight. I guess the insurance company wants to make sure we're healthy enough to make monthly payments FOR A LONG TIME. Anyway, almost everything went fine. For example, I told her all about the Diabetes and Cancer in my family (hmmm...can you say high risk?), I even let her write down my actual weight (unheard of)! But what I couldn't do was stay upright and conscious while she stuck a little tiny needle in my arm for a mere five seconds.
And I digress...
When I was six, I became an aunt. My brother's wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and I was there at the hospital soon afterward. My most vivid memory of that time was not the joy of having a nephew. It was not the happiness of the family all gathered together. Instead, it was the absolute horror of watching the circumcision while my mother explained the procedure to me. And now as an adult, I can't help but think, WHY DID SHE ALLOW A SIX YEAR OLD TO SEE SUCH A THING! I still remember the wave of nausea and the spinning room and having to put my head between my knees. Ever since then, I have been unable to deal with needles or blood. Needles and blood combined? Forget it.
What makes it worse is that I have what they call "deep veins". That means that tonight when the cute little lab tech is trying to find a vein, I'm trying to stay calm and not having much success. After she sticks me left and right, and I almost pass out several times, and my husband is holding me up while balancing a pack of frozen cauliflower on my neck, I am thinking that maybe we don't need life insurance. Maybe I'll take my chances with death and poverty. Because right now death and poverty seem a lot less threatening than the big silver needle that's coming at me.

Snacks for the road

In the crunchy category:
• Cheez-Its, not Nips. Nips are nasty.
• Goldfish originals (no oddly-orange cheddar)
• Teddy Grahams, because they're so cute
• Honey Wheat pretzel twists (just because they say "wheat" doesn't mean they're good for you)
• Honey Barbecue Fritos (then go breathe on someone)

This blog brought to you by my guilty conscience. I feel guilty for my last blog, which is totally negative and b!tchy. I feel guilty for not wanting to blog about anything worthwhile. And I feel guilty for loving carbs so much that I actually made a list of my favorites. Hmmm...I guess it all says something about me.

Does it really STAY in Vegas?

You're sitting around with your friends, and the conversation is getting juicy. Someone inevitably says something like, "What's said at the table STAYS at the table!" Everyone chuckles, nods wide-eyed in agreement, and grips their seats in anticipation of the info about to be spewed. Here come the deep, dark secrets.
This is when I get annoyed. Now, don't get me wrong: I have nothing against hearing dirty tales of deceit and mischief. Quite the contrary! I say the naughtier the better! It's just that I cannot STAND the phrase "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" and it's even worse when people change the phrase to have some sort of situational meaning for them. It's NOT clever. It's NOT funny. And we've heard it about 127 times before.
And what's more, it in no way binds the listeners in secrecy. How's that for pointless?

The inevitable 100 things about me

1. I am very secretive.
2. As a result, this list is going to be very difficult for me to write.
3. I am the youngest of six children, but since I came six years after my nearest sibling, I was raised almost as an only child.
4. I was obviously an "accident" even though my mom denies it.
5. I am a Scorpio.
6. I like to think that I'm one of the nice Scorpios.
7. I was raised in a very religious household, but I am no longer religious.
8. My religious past causes me much grief.
9. I am married to the most wonderful guy on the planet.
10. We met on eHarmony.
11. I used to be embarrassed about meeting online, since it's not something I would normally do, but now I freely admit it AND recommend it to others.
12. I am scared of heights, speed, and being out of control.
13. I force myself to go on roller coasters because I don't want to be "boring".
14. My favorite color changes between green and purple, depending on the day.
15. My favorite food is always anything Mexican.
16. I love to go out for sushi, but I don't really like it.
17. I'm very good at using chopsticks since my brother forced me to learn at age 9.
18. I can say random phrases in Korean, French, Japanese, Spanish, Finnish, Portuguese, German, and Chinese, but I only speak English.
19. I love to cook, but nothing too complicated or weird.
20. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a marine biologist or a teacher.
21. I became a teacher.
22. I'm still obsessed with whales.
23. When I was 7, I ran into a parked car on my bike because I was trying to create my own strobe light by blinking my eyes quickly while riding.
24. I love See's chocolate more than anyone should.
25. My dad died last year, and I think about him a lot.
26. Sometimes I talk to him in my mind just in case he can hear me.
27. When I was a kid, I was labeled "gifted", but I don't think I am anymore.
28. My mom always told me I could do anything. I'm only recently figuring out that it's not so.
29. I'm really bad at yoga. I have no balance but I like the meditation.
30. I love modern art, the stranger the better.
31. Speaking of strange, I'm a HUGE Prince fan.
32. I don't believe that things "happen for a reason". I believe that things just happen.
33. When people tell me they think "things happen for a reason", I don't tell them that I disagree.
33. I think the more you go through in life, the more tolerant you become.
34. I am secretly intolerant of intolerant people.
35. I'm trying to become less judgemental.
36. I appreciate beautiful language. I only wish I could create it myself.
37. I'm addicted to these TV shows (and my TiVo): Hell's Kitchen, Lost, 24, Scrubs, Las Vegas, and Desperate Housewives.
38. I'm a registered Republican, but I'm Democratic in most of my views.
39. I absolutely hate country music.
40. I make the best chocolate chip cookies ever. I also make a fabulous lemon meringue pie (my mom's recipe).
41. I love ice cream.
42. I have trouble with my weight and I'm afraid I always will.
43. I care way too much about people's perceptions of me.
44. I need constant attention and praise from my husband. Luckily he gives it freely.
45. I take friendship very seriously. All my friends are life-long.
46. I love shopping for shoes, but I only buy them if they're on sale.
47. I used to be a liar, but now I'm extremely honest.
48. I used to do a lot of things I find reprehensible now.
49. I am a procrastinator and a night person, which means you'll often find me busy getting projects done late at night.
50. I sing really loud in the car when I'm alone.
51. Sometimes I sing that way just to make my husband laugh.
52. I'll do just about anything to make him laugh, including act like a total idiot. My "car dancing" always gets him.
53. I will never get a tattoo.
54. I was always too scared to do any serious drugs.
55. I worked at Chili's as a server for 6 years.
56. Working in the restaurant business taught me a lot about life in the real world.
57. Consequently, I am a great tipper.
58. The word "bosom" gives me the creeps.
59. Physical violence of any kind makes me sick to my stomach.
60. I love massages and pedicures, but I hate facials.
61. I love to go out for breakfast, especially on Sunday mornings.
62. I love to travel, but I hate being in charge of the itinerary.
63. I got married in Maui and it was the best time of my life.
64. I went to the Bahamas and the Virgin Islands and actually thought they were ugly compared to Maui.
65. I cry at at the movies.
66. I cry when I get really frustrated.
67. I cry when I laugh too hard.
68. I put childbirth and death in the same category. Countless other people have gone through it, so I think I'll be fine when I do too.
69. I love babies and all the little faces they make.
70. I am very observant and intuitive about people.
71. I notice mouths first.
72. I have an overbite due to the fact that I refused to wear my retainers after I got my braces off.
73. I share a birthday with Picasso.
74. I can wiggle my ears.
75. As a kid, I watched Romancing the Stone so much, I could quote it.
76. To this day, I like to watch romantic comedies over and over again.
77. My favorite is You've Got Mail
78. My blood type is my outlook on life: B positive.
79. I played both piano and violin when I was young.
80. My childhood violin still has tear stains on it from my incessant crying during rigorous practices.
81. In junior high, I liked skateboarding and pro wrestling.
82. My mom still thinks I'm a girly girl.
83. I met Luis Gonzales after the 2001 World Series and told him he looked familiar (duh).
84. I can't wait to have kids.
85. I'm one of the few people I know that loves her job.
86. I don't know if I want to be a stay-at-home mom.
87. I get bored easily.
88. I always have too much to do, and I like it that way.
89. I appear very organized, but I'm reallly messy.
90. The condition of my house usually mirrors the condition of my life.
91. I love to sleep and take naps.
92. I can usually fall asleep within three minutes of lying down in bed.
93. I have always been a night owl, but I pretend to be a morning person too.
94. I love Starbuck's.
95. My idea of the perfect day includes reading a book and drinking a margarita in a hammock on the beach.
96. I love giving gifts.
97. I try to make other people feel good about themselves.
98. I'm always worried about my lipstick.
99. When I turned 29, I was a little depressed. When I turned 30, I refused to admit it.
100. I still have too many secrets.

Heeeeeeeeere's Daisy!

This is Daisy, the best dog ever. In case you think your dog is better or cuter, here are some reasons I beg to differ:
1. Daisy never begs. For anything. When you put her outside, she entertains herself until you decide she should come in.
2. She can catch food and treats in mid air. The key word for her to perform this fabulous magic trick is, "Ready?"
3. She eats watermelon and peaches. Other fruit to follow.
4. When scratching her chin or neck, Daisy scrunches up her face, creating wrinkles upon wrinkles. We call this "the old lady".
5. She announces her presence with one tiny lick on your leg as if to say, "Hi!"
6. She wags her tail so hard, her entire backside wags with it. Talk about excitement!
7. She can go outside without a leash and not run away (unlike our other dog who's a complete flight risk.)
8. She's totally in style with her smudged black eye make-up.

oh, the pressure...

It's such a big deal to come up with a clever blog title -- one that will catch the attention of bored blog surfers. One that will make them stop, consider, and smirk as they feel hypnotically compelled to read whatever this witty blogger has to say. One that will...
Oh, who cares. In the end, I decided I don't really want random freaks reading my blog. So I settled for a boring name -- one that describes the things that consume my life at the current moment. What can I say? I have a pretty happy, uneventful life right now, and I love it (as opposed to my former soap opera life full of all kinds of unmentionable drama)!

Other BLOG titles I considered:

• I Wasn't Born with Enough Middle Fingers (for all the venting and complaining I'll inevitably do. this clever phrase borrowed from a Marilyn Manson song)

• Big Boo (the euphemism I used as a child when I had to go #2...incidentally, I didn't know the term was unique to my family until the age of 7. I recently told my brother I was going to make this my vanity plate.)

• WWMD? (a philosophical study of my so-called assertiveness, led by my friend Amanda whose brilliance is unmatched)

• Feel Free to be Controlled (get it?)

• Hooked, Lined, but not Sunk (this actually has a lengthy explanation. If you really want to know about it, you'll have to ask me in person)

• Musings (what a great word...)